The Pressure to Perform
I have an embarrassing number of books on my to-be-read list and shelf. Jessa Zimmerman sent me her book Sex without Stress: A Couple’s Guide to Overcoming Disappointment, Avoidance and Pressure for free years ago—literally. I should have read it sooner. Her target audience is couples in long-term relationships feeling stuck in their sexual relationship which is the most common presenting issue I see in therapy. She offers a practical guide to recovery with many innovative exercises to do alone or with your partner(s). Most of the exercises fall into these four types:
Mindful Self-Reflection: Both partners are encouraged to take time to reflect on their individual relationship to sex—past experiences, current feelings, and how stress plays into their sexual lives. This reflection helps uncover deeper emotional layers, providing insight into how each person’s sexual narrative has been shaped.
Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy: Many couples in sexual distress have also lost emotional closeness, so Zimmerman emphasizes rebuilding that emotional connection as a key foundation for sexual healing. By focusing on emotional intimacy first, partners can begin to feel safer and more connected outside of the bedroom, which naturally translates into their sexual relationship.
Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy: Zimmerman gradually introduces couples back to physical touch in a way that removes sexual pressure to perform. This stage helps couples reconnect physically without the expectation of sex, allowing them to rediscover touch as a source of comfort and bonding rather than stress.
Communication Skills: Zimmerman includes several chapters focused on how couples can improve their communication around sex, which is a critical piece of the puzzle. Many couples avoid conversations about sex due to fear, embarrassment, or past arguments. Zimmerman provides tools for approaching these discussions with openness and curiosity rather than blame or frustration.
From a professional perspective, Sex Without Stress provides an excellent framework for couples who are struggling but may not yet be ready for therapy, or those who are in therapy and need additional resources to support their work. This book offers a clear, structured, and compassionate path forward, helping couples reconnect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels authentic and sustainable. If you and your partner are feeling stuck in your sexual relationship, this book is an excellent starting point.
