Designing Love

As a relationship therapist, I’ve had the privilege of guiding clients through the intricate dance of connection, intimacy, and growth. One of my professional book clubs chose Love by Design: The Six Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh and she came to our book club discussion! I was intrigued by its promise to distill the complexities of love into six foundational elements. Having now read the book, I can confidently say that it is a transformative guide for couples and professionals alike.

Dr. Sara, who is truly a delight in person, brings a unique blend of scientific rigor and heartfelt compassion to her writing. The six ingredients she outlines are somewhat abstract concepts, but she includes actionable principles grounded in research and real-world application. These elements—attraction, respect, trust, compassion, shared vision and loving behaviors—form a cohesive framework that couples can use to build and sustain a thriving relationship for as long as you choose to be in the relationship. Though the title indicates a "lifetime of love,” Dr. Sara was clear that she does not subscribe to one partner for a lifetime if that does not work for some reason.

Another strength of Love by Design is its inclusivity. Dr. Sara’s insights are applicable to couples across cultures, relational orientations, and stages of life. Dr. Sara is from Iran and she includes stories of her own parents which were the highlight of the book for me. They sound like they have a really lovely relationship.

I’ve already started incorporating some of her exercises into my sessions with clients, and the feedback has been overwhelmingly positive. One question that has been particularly interesting is “if you were a car, what kind would you be?” Then ask others in your life the same question. It has been very enlightening.

The principles outlined in Love by Design remind us that love is not a static state but an ongoing, dynamic process that we co-create with intention and care.