When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other
By far, the most common presenting issue in couples that come to see a sex therapist is desire discrepancy—one partner wants to have sex more than the other. It is incredibly common to have periods of desire discrepancy in long-term partnerships, but you might want to seek help from a sex therapist if it creates an ongoing conflict in your relationship. It can be painful for the higher desire partner to experience rejection because our sexual selves are so vulnerable.
Sex is different than other activities within a monogamous relationship—it is exclusive. My partner does not love going to fancy restaurants and eating expensive food while I do. I can go out with my friends to a fancy dinner without creating any conflict in my relationship. If a partner in a monogamous wants more intimacy, they do not have any ethical options. They may have agreed to masturbation as an alternative; however, masturbation is not intimacy with someone you love.
Treating desire discrepancy looks different in different relationships. Here are four techniques I use:
Create space for healthy and honest communication—no phones, no tv
Sensate focus exercises as homework and then they report back to me about the experience
Take penetrative sex off the table for a period—it can create that feeling of safety that this kind of exploration requires
Expand sexual scripts—sex is much more than penetration, think kissing, touching, mutual masturbation
Check out the NYT article for more ideas.
