Parentified Children
I recently read two fucked-up memoirs—I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jeanette McCurdy and The Woman in Me “by” Britney Spears. These two women’s stories are perfect examples of something I see in therapy all the time—parentified children. A parentified child is one whose parent relies on them for emotional support rather than providing support to the child. In McCurdy’s case, her mother forced her into show business and relied on Jeanette for emotional regulation. Her mother’s behavior was particularly egregious including manipulation, sexual abuse and teaching disordered eating. For Spears, her mother relied on her for financial support and started drinking with Britney during her teenage years. I recommend McCurdy’s far more than Spears’—it’s better written and Britney is just not that reliable.
Here is what I see in clients whose parents have parentified them:
Increased anxiety. Because these clients could not trust their primary caregivers, they did not grow up with stability that creates a feeling of safety. Throw-back to your psych 100 class and Erikson’s stage of trust vs. mistrust.
Inability to separate themselves from their parents. With the advances in technology, moving to the other side of the globe does not get your parent out of your daily life. I hear these clients express guilt for not answering the phone every time their parent calls no matter what the emotional consequence is to them.
Inappropriate boundaries in adult relationships. Our caregivers are our first teachers. When children do not learn boundaries at home, or they learn that boundaries do not have to be respected, they do not know how to create healthy relationships in adulthood. Co-dependence is one example.
Tl; dr: Kids should be treated like kids and should get age-appropriate information throughout their childhood. Children are never responsible for their parents’ feelings.
