Codependency Recovery
I often see clients trapped in patterns of codependency—giving endlessly, prioritizing others over themselves, and feeling responsible for the emotions and actions of those around them. These patterns can be exhausting, frustrating, and, ultimately, unsustainable. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie seems to be the first book on codependency and is pretty famous in therapy circles, but I hadn’t read it until this year.
Originally published in 1986, Beattie, drawing from her own experiences, details the ways codependent behaviors develop and how they can take a toll on one’s mental, emotional, and even physical health, but CoDependent No More is somewhat dated. Among my other book club members, even the updated versions were still dated, so maybe some of my concerns have been addressed in a revised version. Many of her suggestions are basic self-help, but keeping in mind the publishing date, I’m sure it was revolutionary.
The book was written with a focus on those (cis-women) in relationships with individuals (cis-men) struggling with addiction. Beatty is a big fan of the 12-steps and though she says they are not the only option to recover from codependency, she does not offer any other interventions, so it has significant Judeo-Christian undertones.
Here’s a Cliffs Notes’ version of her points:
Codependency is not love. One of the book’s central messages is that true love does not require self-abandonment. Beattie makes it clear that caring deeply for others should not come at the expense of one’s own emotional and mental health. While this is a valuable insight, the book sometimes oversimplifies the distinction between healthy interdependence and unhealthy codependency. It also leaves out cultural differences and views on independence.
Detachment is essential, but context matters. Detachment is not detaching from the person, but from the agony. We can still care for others while also recognizing that their choices and feelings are not within our control; however, the book does not always provide clear distinctions between healthy emotional boundaries and emotional avoidance. There are instances where detachment can become a defense mechanism rather than a tool for healing.
Boundaries are non-negotiable, but harder to implement than suggested. Beattie emphasizes that setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is not selfish—it’s necessary. Many codependent individuals struggle with saying no, fearing they will be rejected or abandoned. The book provides guidance on establishing boundaries but does not delve deeply into the psychological resistance and relational pushback one often encounters when attempting to change deeply ingrained patterns.
Self-care is a priority, but healing requires more. The book encourages readers to shift their focus inward, advocating for self-compassion, hobbies, and practices that nurture personal well-being. While this is a crucial step, the book does not sufficiently address the underlying emotional work required to heal from codependency, such as processing childhood trauma, examining attachment wounds, or challenging deeply rooted beliefs about worth and responsibility.
If you recognize yourself in the patterns of codependency—over-functioning in relationships, feeling responsible for others’ emotions, struggling with boundaries—some parts of CoDependent No More are worthwhile as a starting point, but recovering from codependency likely will require therapy to sustain change.
